It occurred to me that my relationship with Christ is a lot like my relationship with the others close to me…this is not necessarily a great thing.
I am a hard man to know. The closest most will get to me is through my writing and that should say something. I can be…awkward. Oh don’t get me wrong I have years of figuring out how to operate in this world of complex social relationships. I know what to say, how to say it, when to smile and when to cry. I have a great skill at being what is required of me…but to be me…what is it to be me?
I can be distant. I take for granted that the ones I love will be there…that they ARE there existentially and this is enough. I know this is not necessarily enough for them…I am just not sure how to be other than what I am.
So we come back to Christ.
He is there. I know he is there at an existential level and this is enough for me. I don’t think it should be but it is. This level of satisfaction does not translate into a transformative relationship. I talk to him like I talk to my family…infrequently and without much depth. I am guarded. I exist in a constant state of readiness but I am not really sure for what…perhaps for everything.
If he speaks to me I will be ready. If he asks I will do. If they call I will talk. If not I will not. It is as if I am a phosphorescent reflection of a sonic bounce on a sonar screen…I only exist as a reflection of the effort of others…on my own I slowly fade into myself.
This all sounds very down I suppose but oddly enough it does not in the least make me sad. It simply is what it is. Maybe it should make me sad.