Increasingly I get more and more worried about everything and everyone close to me.

It never used to be this way.

I never really worried about anything or anyone, least of all myself. Now the list of worries continue to rise like an unstoppable tide within me.

With worry comes anxiety.

I HATE anxiety more than any other emotion…I desperately and forcefully despise it with all of my being. I find it immobilizing and I do not like being paralyzed. It is like a tumor in the back of the throat that will not go away.

I worry about my daughter walking to a friend’s house alone. I worry about my children crossing the highway. I worry about my son now that he lives on his own. I worry that the cat is going to get the lizard. I worry that the robin nesting over the front door is going to get frightened away so often her eggs won’t hatch. I worry about people not wearing bike helmets. I worry about not being strong enough. I worry about failing. I worry about succeeding. I worry about my inability to be emotionally expressive in a genuine fashion. I worry.

It never used to be this way.

Soren Kierkegaard wrote in his great work The Concept of Anxiety the following:

“Anxiety may be compared with dizziness. He whose eye happens to look down the yawning abyss becomes dizzy. But what is the reason for this? It is just as much in his own eye as in the abyss, for suppose he had not looked down. Hence, anxiety is the dizziness of freedom, which emerges when the spirit wants to posit the synthesis and freedom looks down into its own possibility, laying hold of finiteness to support itself. Freedom succumbs to dizziness. Further than this, psychology cannot and will not go. In that very moment everything is changed, and freedom, when it again rises, sees that it is guilty. Between these two moments lies the leap, which no science has explained and which no science can explain. He who becomes guilty in anxiety becomes as ambiguously guilty as it is possible to become. Anxiety can just as well express itself by muteness as by a scream.”

Trapped in a thought-loop tightrope that engages with the possibility of every possibility…

The solution seems to be to simply disengage. I am not fond of that option. To reach out for the emotion switch and flip it off and become Android Peter – effective at navigating life and approximating a human being but, if you look closely, not quite.

There is a small voice that whispers almost unnoticed in my mind – “release…” over and over again…and I resist for no good reason…but it remains persistent and with this persistence there is hope.