In three day i leave for the desert. The desert in this case will be the empty grasslands and rolling hills around Assumption Abbey in Richardton, North Dakota. This morning was a celebration of the Lord’s Supper at church and I came away conflicted as usual. To seek God with of all my heart but not be willing to give him all of my heart is a strange and empty place to be. More than ever I desire to meet him while away…and more than ever I fear it.

 

Three weeks in the desert could yield only a stark awareness of my own emptiness and poverty of soul. Some might argue that this would not necessarily be a bad thing for an arrogant guy like me. They may have a point. I haven’t a clue what I will or won’t learn. I know I am hard as stone but filled with fault lines too which means the possibilities are endless.

 

Three weeks. Three is an important biblical number. Will it be a desert? Will it be a wilderness? You know in my whole life I have never been intentionally alone with God for such a time. Circumstance wired me as an introvert but nature prefers me as an extrovert…how will I manage for all of the time I am there? I will bring several bibles, my laptop for writing only (there is no internet access there which is good). I struggle with the thought of leaving my iPod behind because of the music but I already know I will. I will bring my camera. Maybe my MP3 recorder for thoughts on the walks.

 

The plan is to study Matthew 5-7, the sermon on the mount. I will divide the verses across the 21 days and seek to allow those verses to guide me. The abbott has graciously offered to provide direction while I am there as well. I will write each day and try to be as honest as possible.

 

At the end of the day all I seek is to drag my broken self out into the open and pray that Christ would walk past that I might reach out and touch the hem of his garments. He may even stop. He may even choose to offer healing. I really don’t know. What if he asks me to follow him and I respond like the rich young man? Will it be enough to know that he will look after me with love even as my back turns? There is so much to give up. My very life even. What if I cannot do it? Har far does grace extend before it breaks?