Ohhhh man…floor hockey tonight was especially brutal on me. Every joint on my left side is killing me. I wondered if I would have hurt this much 10 or 20 years ago…I decided I wouldn’t but I also realized I wouldn’t have been playing 10 or 20 years ago because I wasn’t as relational. It is amazing how much a person can change over the course of 20 years. How much one can learn and how much one can stay the same.
You know despite the fact that I have been alive for 41 years, have more experience and knowledge, I don’t feel much different in my inner self then when I was 12. My thought’s voice is the same. My fascinations are the same. I ask myself the same basic existential questions like:
– when will I die?
– what will it be like?
– what will eternity be like?
I also noticed that I like pretty much the same things now that I did when I was 12 but I am limited by the reality that 41 year old men generally don’t climb trees or go on adventures in the storm sewers beneath the town. They also don’t spend all their money on candy and comics. No, there is an societal expectation of the 41 year old man; that he will be a certain way and dress a certain way and speak a certain way. This is sad on many levels…to lose one’s childlikeness is a death of sorts and I resist it as strongly as I can. I think there is something valuable and living about it that I must hang on to. I don’t really feel age. I mean I feel it in my joints, I see it in my face, but I don’t feel it – my thoughts are as young as ever…I hope they stay that way.
wow, i really relate to this. somehow though, at 51, retaining a childlike wonder and delight in things separates me from my peers. i find that i don\’t really fit in, i seem to be the one that most people like, recognize, and even hold a small conversation with, but they don\’t really know how to relate to me, even though i try to get inside their world, i\’m a complete failure because i have such a different outlook, such a different lifestyle – they see me as having never really grown up, you know? I mean, that\’s what it feels like to me, and i always seem to be asking God: Where do i fit in, what can i do to serve Your kingdom, why do i seem to be on this path alone? I think He smiles at me, just like a parent would, saying "Be patient daughter, you\’ll see one of these days, how it has all worked out for my kingdom and my glory"