Waiting on the endless sleep
In the shadowed lands
Of quiet darkness deep
Far from the sounds
Of those who grieving weep
Wondering how thoughts
Stumbled into this space
Or were led unwilling alone
Without a sliver of grace
We must do our best
We must lift our face
To perchance catch a glimpse
Of a silver sun in this place
Upon whose rays we may climb
To greater heights of solace.
What a thing it is to see
The very possibility
Of something different
Of something new
Another vantage
Another view
Just a little out of reach
Like a treasure far too deep
At the bottom of a crystal clear lake
You might grasp it if you try
But in the process you will die
For lack of oxygen
So you simply stand and stare
Forever and always aware
This is a close as you’ll get.
do you get it?
this is the order of things
at least according to proverbs
but no one says
what comes next
they just leave you
on the ground.
sometimes, when i think
no one is looking
i go into the library
to stare at my books
sitting quietly on the shelf
and i think
there i am
right there
for anyone to see
this deeply personal
part of me
as though
i disembowled myself
and you can witness
all for free
but then i wonder
why is it here…
shouldn’t it be
getting some stranger’s hands bloody
i take too many pitcures
it is known
thousands upon thousands
small moments digitally enslaved
they prove to me that i have existed
there was love and joy and sunlight
spread like white sand on a gulf beach
scattered like stars over the Carribean
there was Tuscany and Iceland
there was London and New York
there was a past that i stand upon
a high mountain pushed into the sky
that gives me vantage to see a future.
A lot of my time lately has been taken up in consideration of things like gender-based violence and today marks the beginning of 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence.
Part of my job is reviewing applications from people seeking rent guarantors (a service we provide). The VAST majority of applicants are women facing violence. The VAST majority of these women are Indigenous. The stories are each unique and all are heartbreaking. This year I have read almost 120 applications…a fragment of the real number of women facing violence at home.
This combined with an opportunity to share during the Genesis House radiothon on lived experience related to violence and shelter use has me stewing in a very pensive place.
As a child I was raised by a single mother on welfare. We moved from home to home depending on a need to escape or when the rent went up. I witnessed physical and emotional violence against my mother from birth until I was about 13.
What changed? Safe, affordable, stable housing. After years of waiting we were finally approved for a nice four bedroom duplex in provincial housing. I think knowing mum had a place she could call her own without worrying about being kicked out or rent issues meant she could “fortify” it. She could defend it. She didn’t need to rely on others as much. This meant finally breaking away from abusive relationships.
People ask women all of the time – why don’t you just leave?
It’s not that easy. Even in the face of abuse.
Where do they go? How do they support themselves? There is also enormous stigma and shame attached to being a single-mother. So they do what they can. They live feeling trapped in a circumstance they do not feel they can break out of in a world that judges them and offers little to no supports to not simply escape but to restart and learn to thrive.
I think about my mum alot these days. I miss her terribly when I think about what she went through and I am grateful for the sacrifice she made so that myself and my siblings could not just survive but thrive.
I vowed a long time ago I would not be the kind of man my mum was subjected to. I would be honest, and loving; I would seek to better myself as often as possible and I would try to create an environment where the ones I value could thrive and feel loved. I hope I have done this.
Nobody should spend their lives feeling trapped by circumstance. It causes you to wither up and die.
I am grateful I have the chance to do the work I do. It feels like it is making a small difference in a way that could’ve helped my mum. I am grateful to be in a loving relationship, something my mum struggled to find for herself. Life can be beautiful but sometimes it takes work, and it almost always takes community.
In the dark heart of night
As you lay yourself to sleep
Resist the urge to take a peek
Do not listen to the wild rumors
No matter those snarls that arise
No matter the blood curdling cries
Drifting to where you rest your head
Never get up to look under the bed
For that thing you most fear
May actually be dwelling there
And what will you do then my friend
But slay or be slain in the bitter end.
Start writing
This is the prompt
That makes it sound easy
As if creation is spontaneous
As if something
Can come out of nothing
But sometimes you can’t
You just have to leave the vacuum
Empty.
Tosca died before my eyes tonight
A victim of cruel love and lust
Her heart laid out before her eyes;
What could I do but watch
And stretch out to fall asleep
With thoughts of passion and death
While music to me away in dream.
Maybe
It’s possible
You are sailing away from us
Off into a new sea
Leaving the storms behind
To find a different Ahab
Perhaps…
But, while you skip
Across the hopeful waves
May the oceans swallow you whole
And sink you to the crushing depths.
Harnessing Chaos 