There is a powerful quote in the nearly perfect Clint Eastwood western movie Unforgiven… it goes like this:
“It’s a hell of a thing, killing a man. You take away all he’s got and all he’s ever gonna have,”
As someone who was sexually abused as a child numerous times it can feel like that. Like this child was killed and robbed of what he had and everything he was ever gonna have.
I know that’s bleak. I mourn that lost child often but I am reminded I rose out of his ashes to become something new. Not what I would have been…perhaps someone stronger in some ways…although brittle at times like a sword that has been over-hardened in the forge. Prone to shattering.
There is no doubt I’m not who I would have been. I would have liked to meet that man. But given all that’s happened I’m damn proud of who I am. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes.
Harnessing Chaos 
I often think of the April who doesn’t have Cerebral Palsy. It’s wild to try and imagine. It’s kind of like trying to describe a new colour. I mean, of course there are multiple variables I often wonder about, what if I hadn’t experienced X traumatic thing, etc, but the cerebral palsy one is the biggest. I occasionally wonder about the multiverse Aprils.
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somewhere in the multiverse…
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