This morning I awoke early from a dream with an awareness (as can often happen).

The awareness started simply as a realization that a certain sense of peace had descended upon me – something I have struggled to feel for a VERY long time. Now anyone who knows me (including myself) would be cautious and suggest one “just wait” before assuming this state is anything lasting. History suggests these would be wise words.

Still it felt worth exploring.

Without going into too many convoluted metaphors I came to realize that what had taken root in me seemingly overnight but more likely as a seed germinating for many, many years was the following:

Happiness, true abiding happiness which some might call joy, is not found in other people (places or things). Ultimately its source is found within the self.

For some people this is not a revelation but an understanding they have had since birth passed along by parents and grandparents. To that I say – wonderful. But for me and perhaps others this truth has been evasive.

As you dig into this simple idea you begin to become aware that there are consequences connected to it. For instance if you do not believe this, as I have struggled to, where then does joy come from?

I cannot speak for others. In my experience however joy has been in other people. I have always lived and operated under the instinctive idea that my happiness depended on others. That its source was external. This means that I came to believe that the opposite was also true. That the source of any unhappiness was also other people. My anger, depression or rage came from outside, not within.

This can also play out as joy comes from money, joy comes from accomplishment, joy comes from owning lots of things.

With these ideas came the falsely liberating idea that in order to find happiness (or remove anger/sadness) other people were the source and cause. I say this is falsely liberating because initially you do not feel responsible for your own miserable state – it is other’s fault.

But, over time, you do begin to wonder why the weight continues to grow despite the fact that you do not believe you are carrying it. If you are like me you simply believe even harder that others are responsible and the cycle continues. To quote Dr. Crusher in a certain episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation – “if there’s nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with the universe.”

Believing that joy comes from outside of me is a little like believing that cocaine is better than dopamine. Sure you can manufacture dopamine yourself but have you tried crack?

Eventually seeking joy externally becomes addictive. You stop seeking and nurturing the inner source and need new and more exciting external hits every time. But unlike dopamine the crack is slowly killing you and driving the people you love away. You blame the people. This does not help.

Another analogy would be the sun and the moon. The source of all life on earth comes from the sun. It manufactures it from within and emanates it. This is attractive. The moon on the other hand, while beautiful, provides nothing of its own. It reflects the sun. It is fine to admire the moon, to write poems about it. But if you decide to grow your garden by its light you will be sorely disappointed. Nothing lives by the light of the moon. Its light is borrowed.

Happy people are like the sun. They glow from within. They are attractive. Life springs up in their wake. If one is not careful one can rely too heavily on other people’s happiness instead of your own. To reflect another’s joy is fine and beautiful but, like the moon, it will not nurture and it does not come from within…it is borrowed. Of course the trick is determining if those other people are truly happy or if they too are merely getting their joy from externals. All happiness is attractive…but joy nurtured from within is lasting while externals fade fast and if you are not careful you could find yourself enmeshed in a relationship based on need rather than nurture.

Of course one of the obvious problems of relying on others for my happiness is that it places an unfair, and at times enormous burden on them. Make me happy! Stop making me sad! etc.

Don’t misunderstand. A person who stands in front of me punching me in the face is responsible for my pain. I can either stand there and hope they stop or remove myself from the circumstance. I cannot manifest joy from within as a shield to stop my nose from being broken. If I continue to stand there eventually I am as much the reason for my pain as the person hitting me.

Externals matter.

So – joy comes from within. So what?

Good question.

Well one thing this realization can do is redirect efforts away from others and onto myself. It does not mean everlasting happiness by any stretch. Like an explorer searching for a rare species of blue monkey that only lives in Madagascar – if they decide to search in South America they will never find it. They will become increasingly angry at their guides, the landscape and themselves for their stupidity.

Knowing it is in Madagascar does not guarantee finding it, however the odds go from zero to an achievable number and this is infinitely better.

The kind of equipment we have when we search matters too. If you come out of childhood healthy and well-adjusted with wonderful role models who demonstrated true joy than you are far more likely to discover it for yourself. But, if like myself and so many others, childhood was a little like walking through a minefield of trauma going from one explosion to another and whose role models either gave up on happiness or saw its source in others…well, you have your work cut out for you.

I’m happy for this new realization but I am cautious. It does not mean I will not be sad. It does not mean I will not be angry. It does not mean I cannot be hurt. These paths are incredibly well worn in my life and far easier to walk down than the new one I have just discovered.

What it does mean is that maybe…just maybe, I have a rough compass heading to head toward. Certainly I do not have the GPS coordinates but maybe that will come. Hopefully it also means I can stop burdening others and making them responsible for my happiness, my sadness, my anger etc.

Maybe we can journey together, helping one another as needed. When times get tough it might mean recognizing it’s the path that has become difficult and not the people I journey with.

Time will tell.

The far more frightening thing this all means on top of everything discussed is that just as I am the source of my own abiding happiness I am NOT the source of anyone else’s. This is almost harder for me to accept.

If I try to be someone else’s source I am simply becoming their dealer enabling the addiction and eventually I will not have what they need.

Again this is not a license to be a complete asshole. It is far easier for me and others to discover and nurture inner joy when the people around us are content and not hateful.

Having a sense of how to cultivate abiding joy also means our reservoirs are deeper and more capable of supporting ourselves and others through difficult times. It may be the difference between sharing a glass of water and a well.

I want to be like the sun to other people. I want to bring life…but I have to be the sun for myself first.