i was a lighthouse for weak and desperate men
a beacon of innocence for the broken and the abusive
who would take their poisonous and pathetic person
and pour it into me like a ready receptacle
like a garbage can for their corrosion and need

i was a container to be emptied into
listening ears hoping this was value
a sad kid willing to hear whatever words they’d say
to make me feel better about these things
to make them feel better about these things
to convince me that this was what I wanted
that this was love

but i learned soon enough (too late)
that monsters hide their horrors in the dark
they tell themselves lies
they told me lies
that i might continue to be the doll they wanted
compliant, as if it would somehow last forever

and they taught me to lie to the ones i loved
they taught me to hide these acts as if,
as if I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS BROKEN
and not them the ones breaking
and it was at their hands i first learned shame
to keep their secrets from my protectors
i was blood in the water of their destructive desire
they could smell me a mile away, circling in

until i learned a new thing
until they taught me a hard lesson
that i could break their grasping hands
that i could use their secrets to send them away
i could take freedom by throat and hold it tight
when i realized that predators lie to sink in their teeth
that the worst of us wants to be kept in the dark
invisible to the ones who love us
that any good thing is worth being seen
and all i needed was to glow again
and send them scattering into the black
like the cockroaches they were

but sometimes i see their ghosts at night
and it makes me weep for the boy i was.