when the wind blows in
across the vast and travelled sea
and the waves begin to threaten
it is know by most (and most by me)
to turn the ship into the gail
and fight straight up or through;
but sometimes in the moment
when the greatest peril appears
let go of yourself, let go of the wheel
and let the tumult take you away
rocking you to a dreamless slumber
until death or safe haven nears.

As per the title I need to get out more.

Lately I have found myself in the house all day every day away from all forms of human contact save for work Zooms and phone calls.

As work has become more and more virtual over the past four years I have spent an increasing amount of time holed up in my home office with no one but the cats (higher beings to be sure) to keep me company.

Back in the old days of brick and mortor offices I would find reasons to escape all of the time because…well it was work. But now I’m at home and frankly. I like my home. I don’t want to escape it.

What has happened then is that I have emotionally begun to climb inside of myself whilst at the same time hiding inside of my house where I can be found hiding inside of my office (sometimes hiding under my desk). In some ways I have become something of an emotional and phsyical Russian nesting turtle .

There are so many walls that I have unintentioanlly thrown up over the years that even I, as king of my inner domain, struggle to get past the defenses to see the outside world and confirm there are others who exist and consequently acknowledege that I too exist.

“Wouldn’t m’Lord prefer to remain within the castle given the potential for threat and perhaps stormy weather?” says the guard when I consider leaving the grounds.

I have exceptionally dutiful guards that take their jobs very seriously.

Today I managed to escape their ever vigilent gaze and snuck/ventured forth into broad daylight to wander downtown to the post office and then decided to linger for a bit at the local cafe over a coffee whilst I read and responded to work emails.

Somehow I survived and perhaps even thrived for a bit.

I think it is important for me to do this more often. If not my poor wife ends up bearing the burden of confirming my existance every day when she gets home from work. As soon as the door opens she is greeted by two needy cats and a needy husband.

“howwasyourdaydidyouhaveagoodtimewhatwasnewtellmeaboutthelatestfromyourcoworkerswhatwould
youlikefordinnershouldwegoforawalklaterletsdecidewhatweshouldwatchontvtonightihavebeenwondering
abouttheexistenceoftwodimensionalspaceandifweexistintheeventhorizonofablackholedoyoulovemecaniget
ahugguesswhatcameinthemailtoday…”

Holy fuck man slow it down, she hasn’t even taken her shoes off yet.

There is a scene in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkhaban where a young witch maid at the Leaky Cauldron opens a door to see if a room needed cleaning and is greeted by a profound and lengthy roar from the occupant that blows back her hair for several seconds. She remarked calmly that she would “come back later”.

I imagine that sometimes opening the door to our home can be a little like that for people.

Of course part of the problem that enables this behaviour in me is the fact that I like people, as an idea and concept, but not so much up close and personal. I like to exist in their midst and to be seen and acknowleded existing but I have never quite gotten the knack of overcoming social awkwardness. I can speak publicly in front of dozens or even hundreds but one on one tends to be loads more of a struggle.

Don’t get me wrong…I can put on a mask that is so well practiced and designed that very few people realize that it is a mask as I appear to effortlessly socialize and enjoy folks while at the same time calculate how long until I can escape and hide somewhere. Sometimes I even fool myself.

Anyhow if today’s excursion taught me anything it is that I need to get out more in the same way I need to exercise, take my vitamins and eat healthy. It is important. I will strive to do better and work at it.

What place is this
So strange
It is

Out

And I am
In it
To be
Without walls
(At least the ones I know)
Is oddly
Exposing
Naked
But probably
Good
The air is different
Recycled through
Other lungs
Even the light
Is used
By other eyes
Before mine

Out

Is a place
Of fairytales
Of nightmares
Of dreamscapes

Out

Is expansive
And open
And claustrophobic
All at once
The great space
Crushes in on you
While sound
Can just
Go on and on
I am

Out

Missing
In
But I take it
Like aspirin
Chew it up
For effect
To get the most
Out of

Out.

there were times of fulsome summers,
bright warmth along the beaches
where cicadas sang in the ever-heat
and our hands were slick in nearness
walking side by side at highnoon;
and should we have burst into flame
at the ferocity of those burning days
we would continue as earth-bound comets
blinding, bright, beings of phosphorous,
our image unified and carved into every eye,
welded ever as one love with two hearts
beating in singular, sympathetic sychronicity;

and even when the clouds rolled in,
tall pillars from off the eastern seas
we would continue in the falling rain
knowing its necessity for a greener growth,
spurred on by a certain sunlit hope,
and an endless, joyous memory of light
casting remembrance as rainbow reflections,
reminders that our voices soar in chorus
carried higher in the updraft of one-another