i am of a mind
to swing into lives
and swing out again
like some relational chimpanzee
who only ever loved
a single, solitary tree
at the cost of the jungle
and the dark terrors within
i am of a mind
to howl into the night,
content to hear inviting screams
of distant ones responding,
never getting closer
than an echo of an echo
we know…
that every old man
was a running boy once,
now wrapped thick
with warm layers of time;
still laughing,
always laughing
is there anything that cannot be done
in the forwards/backwards space of eternity?
is there any impossible possibilities
across the windshield/rearview mirror
of foreverandeverandever?
and who, given all time, cannot become
all things to all things, everywhere?
in the endless stretching starry sea
there is nothing that cannot come to be
like olives,
my words are pressed
til’ they bleed
an anointing oil
for your pain,
a healing balm
to ward away the world
and the death it brings
the well of sadness
that bored through him
was so deep
it was as if
it had been dug
in another life
and needed this one
that the bottom
might be found
to know its full measure
and in knowing
some small hope
could be drawn
to the surface
like water
even in the dark
there was the good
and well hidden chance
that this gold was real
and not just dirt
beneath the floorboards;
that this one great thing
was his found fortune
and not lost
like all that came before
Shall I write and if I do what shall I say?
So much of contentedness or dis-contentedness lies within the mind that it is a wonder we are not content all of the time. I mean we have authority over our own minds don’t we?
In fact it does not seem so really.
One small critical comment made can create an avalanche of broken esteem, anger, and even hate that threatens to bury a person should they fail to rise above it.
It is Sunday and I am at work thinking blearily of God and godlessness; of science – the emerging new god of the west and the diminishment of the imagination. If it doesn’t exist than it doesn’t exist is a new mantra making its way through the world.
Sometimes the whole conversation is amusing to me – that we small things in the vast universe would be prideful enough to think we know anything in comparison. At other times I am astonished at what humanity has accomplished in the universal blink of an eye.
Why do we do it? Why do we seek to understand anything? To what end are our efforts to know and understand anything except that we have this time and we must decide what to do with it.
Some of us are interested in what came before and some are interested in what comes next. Still others are merely interested in how to survive the day and get to the next.
I cannot tell if we stand at dawn or dusk. Myself included. Sometimes it is as if we opened our eyes and have yet to know if all the time we have has passed or is still ahead.
What drives us so? Why climb out the sea; why climb out of the tree and build metal shelves and coffee tables to hold our things? Why make cars and planes and HB pencils? Why? What impels us ever forward? To what end are we seeking to achieve?
It is the first question of the great Westminster Catechism?
Q. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.
I think perhaps we have failed and depending on who you are the answer differs wildly.
Sometimes it feels as if we are children inheriting the family home that goes back generations. We go in with the sense of privilege that we have and immediately begin tearing things down.
“That wallpaper is atrocious…what was mother thinking”
“Dig out the root cellar a bit and lets put in a sauna”
And so it goes as we, more than most who came before us, seek to destroy our past as it is shameful and filled with mythology we would rather forget. We rebuild, we repaint and so on until we encounter the ridiculous wall in the middle of the living room that we absolutely must tear down and “what was great grandpa thinking when he built the place anyway”.
The sledgehammers come out and as the wall falls we realize too late it was, while ugly, still holding the whole place up and the roof comes down upon our self-righteous heads.
I am too isolated. I am becoming a gloomy goat longing for the sun.
My favorite words in all of scripture.
“Do not be afraid”
There are at least 70 instances of the phrase throughout the Bible but my favorite is found in Luke 2:9-10 which states:
“An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.“
These verses appeal to me because I am afraid of quite a bit actually. I am always afraid to one degree or another. I fear the dark. I fear being exposed. I fear death. I fear life. I fear myself. I fear others. I fear my faith might be untrue. I fear my faith might be true. I fear that God might not exist. I fear that God might exist. I fear God. I fear.
Despite every request in the Bible…I still fear. Yet…the words “Do not be afraid” comfort me. Not because they remove the fear but because they recognize it. God sees the fear we live in. God sees my fear and wishes it to be otherwise and somehow this sympathy helps. Even moreso when the sympathy is transformed to empathy as fear overtook him in the Garden of Gethsemane in Luke 22:41-44:
“He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”
In each instance in the Bible the phrase “do not be afraid” is accompanied by a reason not to fear…God…God is present. God is with us…Emanuel. In the case of Luke 2:10 fear not because God is among you now, God is tabernacling in your presence and in your flesh to remove that root cause of fear…death…not death as we imagine it (a rest, oblivion etc) but death as it really is – existence, pain, and suffering.
When I dwell upon the words “do not fear” I am actually tempted not to and this is a real miracle. There are even times when the words actual lift the darkness for a while.
Still I rail against God and the audacity to tell me not to fear:
“Children are suffering and dying from abuse, war and disease!”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“People are living in poverty”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“There is so much hatred inside and outside of me”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“We are destroying the planet”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“What if I end up alone”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“What if my children die before me”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“What if you are not there”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“What if everything I was taught about you is a lie”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“What if everything I taught about you is a lie”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“I don’t understand”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!”
“Do not be afraid…I AM with you”
“i will try”
“Amen and again amen”
I find it interesting that many people have gone through great and torturous grammatical and theological gymnastics and contortions to attempt to convince other people of a Christian trinitarian view of God (to which I subscribe) but these same people cannot for the life of them comprehend the emerging nuance and complexity of gender identity among their peers.
I have used all sorts interesting examples to attempt to explain the Trinity (God as three distinct personas sharing one essence (this is where the 3 in 1 phrase comes form).
I have read even more odd examples that do the Trinity a disservice: God is like three-in-one shampoo; God is like an egg (shell, white and yolk); God is like Aquafresh toothpaste etc. They are all cringe-worthy.
There is no good demonstration of this in reality because it is a paradox.
PARADOX: “A seemingly absurd or contradictory statement or proposition which when investigated may prove to be well founded or true” – Oxford English Dictionary
I remember once taking three separate glasses of water and pouring them into a single glass as a demonstration of three in one…glazed looks met me.
I remember trying to use Saint Patrick’s legendary shamrock demonstration of three leaves in one…still confusion.
God is. God is Creator. God is Christ. God is Holy Spirit. God is one. Christ is not Creator. Creator is not Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit is not Christ. All are one God sharing the same essence. Not three Gods. God is.
This is Orthodox Christianity.
This is very confusing.
The Creator has historically been referenced as Father. Christ as Son…both therefore as masculine. Although it is more appropriate the call the Creator Father/Mother given that the creation narrative speaks of people being created in God’s image of Male and Female. Biblically the Spirit is often feminine and referred to variously as Sophia (Wisdom/Feminine) etc.
So while we continue to allow the paradox of the Trinity to exist within our faith frameworks clearly demonstrating unique gender identities within the Godhead… we cannot seem to grasp a non-binary way of dealing with human gender identity.
Why do we struggle with this?
Likely because difficult ideas that do not meet our experience hurt our heads. We like simple answers and things we can understand. We are not fond of paradox.
Well some people resolve the paradox by simply affirming that God is He. HeHeHeHeHeHe…there is no identity confusion or blending…God is He and that is final.
Of course to do this is to be dishonest with scripture and the cultural, time and language-bound context within which it was recorded. It denies very clear references to God as female, and God as female and male, and God as something other than these two.
But He is what we know and love because He is historically strong in a patriarchal society and He is the word most commonly translated from the Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek into our languages. We grasp onto He as though it were the last log of a rapidly unwinding raft in what we perceive as the raging and frighteningly chaotic tsunami of gender identity conversation that is flooding unwanted into our world.
A clue to the way through might exist in the fact that regardless of perspectives on God all views can be boiled down to one primary, foundational point – we call and identify God as (BLANK) because we believe this is how God views God’s Self.
Therefore perhaps we might bow to what others are choosing to call themselves as well – be it He or She or Ze or They or something else. We might not understand it. We might feel it is some form of paradox. We might not like to have more than two categories…but as with, God perhaps the other knows best and we should learn to respect this.
fragments are all we find
beneath the burned earth,
chips and shards and broken bones
to hint at lives long gone
kept safe in the rocky embrace
of the mother that birthed us all
like pictures of remembrance;
reminders that we were never first
nor ever hope to be last
Harnessing Chaos 