Wow stress levels are radically high right now. I tell myself that it is a state of mind but sometimes that doesn’t help. I am not fond of writing about my own struggles (heck I don’t even like talking about them) but blogging has been so therapeutic I have to put words to screen.

Even now as I write I feel the load lifting a little bit.

For me stress seems to be linked to a sense of personal value. I don’t know if that makes sense and I am not sure if I can explain it but there it is. I’m one of those guys who has always struggled with a sense of value and so I push very hard in the other direction in terms of achievement. I do it in my job, I did it with my education and these two things have been very good at affirming me.

Still I know that my ultimate value is found in God. I know this. I sense it deep within myself. I am loved. I am priceless.

But –

I so often forget.

The world can be so heavy sometimes and often I feel that the weight I carry is the weight of myself. I suppose this is a good analogy because it is physically impossible to carry oneself. Yet I try and try and try to do it but I can’t and it has nothing to do with the weight (insert joke here) and everything to do with the way the universe was created.

Culture doesn’t help much (and I am, admittedly a big fan of culture). It tells me that as a man (a real capital M Man) that I must be a good provider, that I am a failure if I need help. At least that’s what I hear and I know I have my own filters.

My tendency in the midst of worry and stress is to cocoon. To hide within myself and to avoid others if I can. I don’t like the idea of becoming a burden; in fact I think I hate that idea more than anything else. I realize that this is ultimately selfish. I hate being a burden because it makes me feel bad and somewhat useless…this is selfish. But I am a selfish being. We all are to some degree.

So I am writing as a way of fighting the feelings. I am blogging because I am guessing I am not the only one who has ever felt this way. It makes me feel naked and exposed but it feels like the right thing to do…and even in this I am selfish because this is all designed for my good…this post. To make me feel better. Maybe it is simply part of our substance.

I feel better.

Like a great inhale after a long dive into the deeper water.

Thanks for listening. You are awesome. 🙂