I need to write.

Of course you know this being a faithful anonymous reader but it seems to bear mentioning particularly in relation to this post. This post is about nothing. That is to say I have no agenda with it and am writing merely for the sake of writing because it feels like too much time has passed between this and my last post.

What to say?

I am wondering about things. Future things. I wonder if the future will have some semblance of peace and joy. Don’t get me wrong, things are not bad now…but I am not fond of living in a state that can be described as “not too bad” and would rather live in a state of “pretty good” to “great”.

Perhaps it is naïve to hope for such things as peace and joy in a world that seems pretty much defined by brokenness at every level but I really don’t care…I hope for it anyhow.

Lately I have been wondering if the dull ache I have been feeling since Dad’s death is really not new. It feels old…it feels like something I have been burying this feeling for a long time. It feels like I have been ignoring this ache for a long time. Dad’s death was simply a catalyst to draw the pain up from the depths.

I have a knack for ignoring pain in my life. My mutant power is emotional Novocaine in response to trauma and the emotions I am not fond of like sadness, fear, anger, etc. The problem is it’s not selective…it numbs everything…even the good emotions. The other problem is I am not exactly sure how to turn the switch off.

It is a very beneficial ability when it comes to managing short term trauma in my own or other people’s lives. I can be great in a crisis in other words. Unfortunately it doesn’t feel healthy as an ongoing character attribute.

I am looking forward to Christmas and the contemplation of the divine presence in our midst. It is a mystery to me, this God who deems to humiliate the Godhead by becoming human, and not just any human but one born in a small, often trodden on, tribe of former desert nomads living in a tiny little out of the way part of the Roman Empire circa 2,000 years ago.

Tonight I heard someone pray a prayer of thankfulness to God that all that we ask for in prayer is not given to us. There is wisdom there for sure because I have come to learn I do not always know what is best for me.

I am going to stop for now…more later; i have already forgotten what i just wrote.