I left Winnipeg on the plane at 5:30 a.m. and hurtled through the dark toward Toronto. Toward my step-father.

The flight was quiet and no one spoke to me, which was a good thing. I spent the time reading and contemplating what was happening. Emotions are all over the place. I am going to bury my step-dad. I am going to see my sisters and brothers and this makes me happy but the circumstances push me into the dark.

Why does it take a death to bring people together?

The plane arrived at the airport at just before 9 a.m. and after I pick up my luggage I am met by my sisters Susan and Angel and my brother-in-law Keith. We drive to Hamilton. We drive to step-dad and spend the hour reconnecting. We do not get together enough. Geography and economics are barriers…but we are together now. My brother Kevin meets us and we go to dad’s.

Finding step-dad’s apartment was not difficult. The landlady lets us in and we take a moment. It is small. A 15×15 cinder block room with one window. It is squalor and I am sad. We all are. This is where he died. Unexpectedly. Alone.

Step-dad was a rabid Toronto Maple Leafs fan (there is no other kind). I am a Leafs fan because of him. He has various pieces of Leafs memorabilia scattered amidst his belongings – hats, little hockey sticks, pajama pants, etc. My brother Kevin has four tickets to the Leafs versus Boston game for tonight and we are going – Kevin, Billy, Eric and myself. We will go in memory of Step-dad and it won’t matter if they win or lose. Images of him swearing at every bad play and cheering every good one will be with us. It will be good.

Such a confusing mix of emotions. Step-dad made decisions in his life. He made some pretty bad ones that impacted a lot of people but it is obvious that the biggest impact made was on himself.

Love. Sadness. Regret. Anger. Frustration.

So many emotions.

I am glad to be here thanks to the goodwill and generosity of my uncle and his wife. What kind of a step-son would I be if couldn’t even bury my own step-father? In the end it is not so much about who step-dad was as much as it is about who I am; how I respond to him and who I am to become. These are the things each of us, his children, have to deal with.

There will be a funeral on Tuesday. I will lead the service and the graveside service. I will bury my step-dad with my siblings. We will see him laid to rest.

Between now and then there is much to do. Memories to dig up; a mining of joy and pain all blended together and inseparable now. There are fears to overcome and the long dark shadow of my step-father. He is always there. He has always been there. Maybe after the funeral it will feel different. I don’t know.