I am sitting here at Bean & Barley and I want to write but I have no idea what to write. It’s like wanting to go for a walk but not having a destination in mind…you just step out and see what happens.

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,” he used to say. “You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.

Tolkien (or Bilbo) was right…to step out of any safe place is a dangerous thing. You become open to a myriad of possible influences you have no control over. But there is something to be said for the exterior life…the life lived outside of oneself and in the midst of the wild, wild world. After all I do not think we were ever meant for safety. We were not meant to be hidden behind walls, both the brick & mortar kind and the ones we raise within ourselves.

Even now I am writing this outside of my safe place…my warm cozy corner in the dining room of my small space. My safe space. This is really my safe outside space and so it is really only a step…like going to the atrium and observing the forest in the storm but from behind the safety of glass. Still – it’s a step.

It is a true Autumn day today…cool air, some wind and the falling of leaves. Death is coming on the cold and with it the grey bones of naked trees and the movement to white and gray. But if there is one thing we learn in our lives it is that this death comes with rebirth, resurrection and new Spring life…new hopes and opportunities. The cycle of the world points us to this truth and we either see it and rejoice or we do not and we despair.

I appreciate Winter.

It is a space. It is a time to stop and reflect. To breathe. To know what the end of things may be like and to learn to appreciate the life that we have. There is nothing like stepping out into the vacuum of a black Winter night with a frigid wind blowing and crisper than crisp stars shining down on you. It is quiet because the world has moved into itself and feels asleep. In that moment you can look up into space and know you are a little closer to the emptiness of it. You can stand perfectly still and feel the subzero burn and  wonder at every sensations and why you have them at all.

I appreciate Winter.

So here we are wandering through words and sentences like tourists through the streets and alleys of New York. What is around the corner? Shall we venture down the dark ways or stay in the electric embrace of Time Square? There are doors we wonder about in the distance. Places we have heard about but never ventured to enter into. Should we go there? Probably but we won’t today…not today. This is more of an advance reconnoiter; a learning the lay of the land.

Right now I am very content. This means I am very much living in the present moment. It is fear that drives me to the future and it is bitterness that drives me to the past…but contentedness…that keeps me rooted in the here and now. These things should be enough to tell me about where I should live; where I should love.

I have been thinking about justice of late. What is it? This is a tough question (or perhaps it is the answer that is tough). We live in a multifaceted world that is increasingly unhappy with solo answers. Justice is dependent upon circumstance and person…justice is often akin to vengeance nowadays. This rings false to me.

Justice, it seems to me, needs to be based upon something unchangeable, something absolute. Truth. You know where I am going with this. All the roads I tread lead me back to this one place. Every journey I take and every thought I have – if stuck to long enough leads to this one place…this one God. I cannot help it…it is where I go.

Justice…truth…God.

If you remove God from the equation then truth becomes dependent upon us and this is a frightening prospect. If truth is dependent upon us than justice is as well…in which case it is hard to imagine there ever being the possibility of real justice.

Justice – noun

• [mass noun] just behaviour or treatment:a concern for justice, peace, and genuine respect for people
• the quality of being fair and reasonable:the justice of his case
• the administration of the law or authority in maintaining this:a tragic miscarriage of justice

I have noticed that the world is increasingly black and white in the eyes of many people. Things are either good or evil; decisions are either right or wrong and the people who make them either heroes or villains.

I find this migration to extreme ends of the spectrum of life worrisome and admittedly also annoying.

Life of course is never so simple as people would prefer. It is often profoundly complicated. Decisions that seem easy from the outside are often fraught with varying levels of concern depending upon who is making it and it they are perhaps, part of a group.

Experience has taught me that extremists are dangerous. Those on the extreme left and those of the extreme right – they are dangerous and often simple-minded and sole-purposed and willing to create a great deal of pain and suffering for the cause of their version of white (or black as the case may be).

Extremists find it easy to demonize other people. They find it easy to hate the one whose decision or views do not match their own and the ones who enjoy stoking the fires of their perspective with choice tidbits of info that map to their viewpoint are as culpable as the ones on fire. This is frightening and anti-human. It is also anti-community.

Life, a good life, a life where we are neighbours, requires a more nuanced, blended perspective. Life is neither black nor white…it is grey and carries all the beauty of an Ansel Adams photograph with a million shades to be seen making life come to life.

Here’s to the grey way…

light like gravity
it’s just a matter of perspective
of where you are
amidst a trillion trillion suns

i for one
am surrounded

I struggle with this concept, the concept of self-reliance. Oxford defines it as “reliance on one’s own powers and resources rather than those of others” and our society inherently rewards it.

I remember when I moved out and went to university. The first small feeling of self-reliance, and while I was receiving government assistance for school it was an investment in me and my future…it was a step toward self-reliance.

There have been many steps in this direction…my first career-related job, paying my first rent cheque, buying my first car, building my first house…all of these things make one feel independent and self-reliant.

As a pastor I listened to other’s struggles but rarely let other’s know about mine…more self-reliance but not healthy self-reliance.

It feels good not to need others but it is so strongly against the stream of the Gospel I believe in. It may be my greatest struggle right now (and perhaps it has always been). I cannot stand burdening others with my stuff, whatever it is. I once even had a hard time receiving gifts from others until a very wise friend of mine chastised me and said “Peter – you need to learn to receive or else others will never get to feel the blessing of giving…” I have never forgotten that statement…it has become part of my foundation.

Still it is hard. Life ebbs and flows and I used to pride myself on being able to identify with Saint Paul’s statement that “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

I think it is easier to be self-reliant when you don’t have others relying on you. To be alone is not a good thing to be sure but then you can cut back your lifestyle to the bone and you only have yourself to complain and you can easily ignore your own inner voice…it is much harder when you have others.

Having spent 9 years on post-secondary education and now being at a point where self-reliance is a bit of a joke is definitely a humbling experience…and humility is supposed to be a good thing but in this instance it doesn’t feel that way…it feels like water filling my soul; it feels like drowning.

The sin of self-reliance has certainly become a relational barrier in my life; a barrier between myself and others; a barrier between myself and God and it is one I am not sure how to overcome. I am reminded of Ephesians and the wonderful, powerful statement:

“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.”

Christ breaks down walls, Christ destroys barriers….Lord I have so many barriers in my life that need breaking down. Come Lord with your hammer…

drifting
sweeping
like wood upon the waves
moving in
moving out
of consciousness
asleep and awake
i am the tide
pulled to heaven
by silver hooks of moonlight
weightless
cold
beautiful
a vacuum embrace

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for a God who says “I love you” and not “I love you but…” You know what I mean…”I love you but your fat; I love you but you smell; I love you but you are lustful; I love you but you’re a gossip; I love you but you’re mean…” You get the point.

God says “I love you” – period.

I appreciate that about God because frankly there are a lot of buts in my life. So many conditions that could be hung on God’s love like coats on a coat rack.

I wonder why we struggle to say the same thing…I know I do. If I am not saying but, it is still there, unspoken, dying to get out. Why is that? We look at people and we say “I love you (long awkward pause) but that doesn’t mean I like you and what you do”. Seriously? What the heck does that mean? It’s kind of like a slap in the face after a kiss – it leaves one dazed and confused.

How often does the world hear these words from Christ? Do they hear “I love you” from those of us cloaked in his grace or do they hear our words and fears instead? “I love you…but you are evil and the only way to keep my love is to stop being evil.”

“I love you…but…you are sinful and the only way to keep my love is to stop being sinful.”

It is never that clear cut though – usually it is “I love you but I can’t let others know I love you because you have a very public sin. Yes I know that he steals, she gossips, he is a coveter but they keep that pretty quiet…you on the other hand…well we will have to meet in secret places. I hope you understand.”

These words do not sound like Christ to me. They sound very much like me.

How often does the world enter the sphere of the body of Christ and have the following from Luke 5 occur to them –

“One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat.

 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.”

 Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

 When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

 When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners.

   Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.”

“I love you.”

“Get away from me Lord I am not worthy.”

“I love you.”

“Get away from me Lord I have sinned.”

“I love you.”

“But…”

“I love you.”

It is enough. That kind of love that Christ offered Peter…it was enough to cause him to abandon everything he knew, everything he loved to follow him…is this the kind of love the world is seeing? Is this the kind of compelling love the world is being offered?

Another story from Luke 15 –

“I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ So he got up and went to his father.

   “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.”

The son returns home no less broken then when he left…moreso for the humiliation of it all. He returns only because he has nothing left and no doubt would have stayed away longer if he had money. He returns home and while the Father could have stood still on the homestead and let the son grovel as a great and silent “But” to his love he runs to the son. He meets him. He does not even appear to have listened or cared for the son’s words of unworthiness…he simply is overjoyed. This is love.

“I love you” shouted from far away.

“I love you” while running to his son.

“I love you” overwhelming all protests of unworthiness.

But, but, but, but…

“I love you…now let us feast and celebrate.”

That kind of love wears down even the most stubborn self-hatred. The kind of love with no buts.

My prayer for you and the world is that you find this. That you find it in God and you find it in the community God so graciously chose to be the visible manifestation of that love in the world. May this Thanksgiving bring you a love with no buts.

It occurred to me today that people only ever ask questions that they want to know the answers to. This sounds obvious but really it caught me off guard.

A question comes loaded with responsibility if you think about it. Take the standard greeting – how are you? Most people use that phrase interchangeably with Hello…then when someone actually tells them how they are doing they are caught off guard. When you ask a question you become responsible to whatever the answer is.

This is why we are careful with the questions we ask for we must take ownership of the answer. Questions suggest we care about the answer and the answerer. They suggest we wish to enter into one’s life. To avoid this responsibility we learn to ask only questions we already know the answer to…or we avoid asking questions all together once we begin to realize the answers may oblige us in some way.

We do not like to feel obliged…

If I am to be completely honest whiskey has always frightened me a bit. Prior to yesterday there has only been one instance in my life when I had partaken of the golden fire. The CEO of the software company I worked for called us together in the board room to celebrate the closing of a $1 million US distribution agreement to celebrate with some 25 year old Glenfiddich.

Whiskey has always been an expensive mysterious drink that I have shied away from for fear of screwing up on the selection due to my complete ignorance of the beverage.

Well I hope that has changed somewhat. I attended a whiskey tasting event at our local art gallery last night and thoroughly enjoyed both the discussion on how it is made and the 10 different types I was able to sample.

Myself and 40 others were not told ahead of time what we were drinking which left it to our palates and discussion with table mates to decide what we liked and why. To that end I narrowed down the list of what I liked to three (excluding the 21 year old Glenfiddich which was spectacular but at $240 per bottle will not find its way into my house).

In order of preference I liked Jameson Irish Whiskey, Bruichladdich Rocks and Alberta’s Tangle Ridge Rye. Jameson and Bruichladdich are close two one-another in terms of how much I like them. I most appreciated the smokey, peaty character of the Bruichladdich but it is also what puts it second to Jameson because it is definitely an acquired taste.

The list of whiskey’s tried were: Jameson Irish, Jim Beam White label, Ballantine’s Scotch, Alberta Premium Rye, Alberta Springs Rye, Tangle Ridge Rye, John’s Private Cask, Bruichladdich Rocks, Connemara, and Glenfiddich 21 year old.

Check out my friend The Infamous Chef’s blog at http://www.infamouschef.com/ for more detailed info about the event.

Music, like most parts of culture, can be used as a measure of social change over time. I was listening to Jason Derulo’s new 2011 song “Don’t Wanna Go Home” which is in part a take on the old Harry Belafonte 1956 song Dayo.

Aside from some musical and lyrical overlapping it is very interesting to note the significant change in social circumstance that the two songs relate. Belafonte’s song was based on an early Jamaican folk song and clearly speaks of the plight of the exhausted manual labourer who has been up all night stacking bananas and simply wants to go home. Notice the lyrics:

Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

Work all night on a drink of rum
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Stack banana till de morning come
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

Beautiful bunch of ripe banana
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Hide the deadly black tarantula
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Day, me say day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan’ go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day….ay-ay-o
Daylight come and me wan’ go home

There is no missing the meaning here. The job is hard work, dangerous and exhausting.

Fast-forward 55 years to Derulo’s song and lyrically you find yourself with virtually the opposite problem – the plight of the 21st century young adult, out partying all evening and saddened by the coming of dawn. Note the lyrics:

Check that out, what they playin’,
That’s my song, that’s my song.
Where my drinks? I’ve been waiting much too long, much too long
And this girl in my lap, passing out, she’s a blonde
The last thing on my mind is goin’ home…

From the window (From the window)
To the wall (To the wall)
This club is jumpin’ (This club is jumpin’)
Til tomorrow (Til tomorrow)
Is it daylight? (Is it daylight?)
Or is it night time? (Night time)
1 o’clock, 2 o’clock, 3 o’clock, 4
We gon’ tear the club up

Day-o, me say day-o,
Daylight come and we don’t wanna go home.
Yeah so, we losin’ control,
Turn the lights low ’cause we about to get blown.
Let the club shut down,
We won’t go, oh, oh, oh!
Burn it down,
To the floor, oh, oh, oh!
Day-o, me say day-o,
Daylight come and we don’t wanna go home.

We drink the whole bottle but it ain’t over, over.
Everybody jumping on the sofa, sofa.
Standing on the chairs,
Standing on the bar,
No matter day or night, I’m shining,
Bitch, I’m a star.
From the window (From the window)
To the wall (To the wall)
This club is jumpin’ (This club is jumpin’)
Til tomorrow (Til tomorrow)
Is it daylight? (Is it daylight?)
Or is it night time? (Night time)
1 o’clock, 2 o’clock, 3 o’clock, 4
We gon’ tear the club up

Day-o, me say day-o,
Daylight come and we don’t wanna go home.
Yeah so, we losing control,
Turn the lights low cause we about to get blown.
Let the club shut down,
We won’t go, oh, oh, oh!
Burn it down,
To the flo, oh, oh, oh!
Day-o, me say day-o,
Daylight come and we don’t wanna go home.

I just met this sexy Haitian girl moving like a dancer,
Told her and her girlfriends, lets sleep in my cabana,
Ask me where the party’s at, baby I’m the answer,
Have another drink with me, shorty where your manners?
Take another shot, another, shot, shot, shot, shot
I can make it hot, make it hot, we go rock until the…

Day-o, me say day-o,
Daylight come and we don’t wanna go home.
Yeah so, we losing control,
Turn the lights low cause we about to get blown.
Let the club shut down,
We won’t go, oh, oh, oh!
Burn it down,
To the flo, oh, oh, oh!
Day-o, me say day-o,
Daylight come and we don’t wanna go home.

While the first song makes one empathize with the plight of the worker Derulo’s version is designed to make one identify with and want to be the young carefree club hopper whose only care is the end of the party. The point? The significant social change that has occurred between the period of Belafonte and Derulo as noted in the lyrics.

To be fair to Derulo it could be argued that his song book ends Belafonte’s in the sense that the struggle of the young banana stacker has come to an end and has been replaced by happier problems – re:i-wish-the-party-would-go-on-forever.

Still it should be noted that the struggle outlined in Belafonte’s song continues still all over the world and that perhaps Derulo’s homage is a little obscene in the face of this reality. Further I suppose one could also point out that Belafonte himself abused the folk song he adapted to create a tune designed primarily to entertain rather than inform (which it did, immensely). In that case Belafonte and Derulo are simply points at different places on the spectrum of social change as reflected in the lyrics of their related, but wildly different songs.

All that to say music done learns us stuff if’n we listen. 🙂

some eyes do not shine
quite so brilliant bright
as when they shine
through the dark of nocturne night

while day does linger last
they may remain drear dull
unnoticed and unnoticing
til’ the eve when they become full

it is this that convinces a person
that secrets are not best uncovered in the sun
but rather beneath the dim majestic moon
are people’s buried knots most often undone