I am in Ottawa right now and staying at my sisters while attending a denominational conferrence. This evening my sister returned to me a book of poems I had written 21 years ago and somehow it ended up in her books. Anyhow I read through them (the ones I could stomach) and all I have to say is – Wow did my poetry suck! A non-stop stream of angst, depression, sorrow and drippy love…ick ick ick…it’s amazing I managed to live through the period. Taking into account I was a new writer and a teenager I suppose I have some excuses…but wow…
I know old me would be heart-broken to hear present-me talking this way and so I offer apologies to old-me and give voice and thanks to the reality that old-me is the foundation that present-me stands upon and therefore is due a certain amount of respect. I suppose mountains of coal must be waded through before the diamond is found and I am hoping that future-me will look back at current-me and find the writing wasn’t too bad.
I did find some nuggets that I appreciated including the following of historical merit:
December 8, 1987 – President Reagan and General Secretary Gorbechev have signed an agreement to scrap all medium-range missiles and are in talks to get rid of long-range missiles. I hope this reflects the future.
Here’s a few poems from the old days. For those of you who are students and write lots of papers you can identify with this poem.
Paper Due
————
The time has come
I set pen to paper
and for hour upon hour
I watch the pen
as it remains still
and yet,
the time has come
I came across the next poem and it very well documents my movement out of agnosticism and into atheism. It is sort of a distant early warning that I was headed in this direction. It has a bit of a psalmic quality. Warning – this poem is rather dramatic.
My God
———
Emotions burn and seethe
and my whole soul burns
with the question I have
and the answers I need
I want to talk to you
for my whole life revolves
around your existance –
on you my being depends
and now I am scared
the weight is crushing me
and I begin to lose,
my greatest fear is reality
I question your existance
my doubts in you,
they will be my downfall
yet I cannot find you
I looked for you last night
but you were not in the moon
you were not the huge orange disk
I’ve lost my man in the moon
I searched the night air
sweet scented and warm
yet it was not your breath
it was not your Spirit
I probed all existance
but you were nowhere
not in life or death
not even in creation
I cried for you last night
and my tears moved no one
I received no comfort
you were not with me
The churches are not me
their bells are mere sirens
and I will not be lured
though I still love you
But I fear you are gone
or worse – you were never there!
and all the stars of heaven
are falling around me
Don’t leave me – not now
for life without you is death
you are my only lasting love
you are my God,
and I call you…
April 6, 1988
Harnessing Chaos 
Powerful stuff! I\’m not much of a writer myself, but putting words on a page can be so therapeutic. Isn\’t it strange and awesome to remember where you\’ve been? Definately helps you remember God\’s work. It\’s so amazing that our God allows us to question and search and cry, and as we do he gently feeds us – he doesn\’t leave us there.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7
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