I have come to realize (as though it were an epiphany) that I am an immediate person. That is to say I live almost completely and utterly in the present without almost any regard for the past or the future. This is the kind of realization that probably falls into the category of "everybody-else-but-me-knew-this-already". I have lots of things in that category.

 

As with most things being a person of immediacy has both good and bad aspects. On the good side it makes me very flexible and agile in terms of change. I can handle change fairly well. I perform well in crisis situations etc. On the bad side I can tend to discard the past and the people in it as though they have no value. Of course I don’t really believe this – I value every relationship I have ever had – but when the past is the past this is the way things appear, especially to the outsider. This awareness is leading me to understand my poor memory…I have a notoriously poor memory…so poor I have often wondered if there was a physical reason for it (ultra early alzheimers etc). Perhaps however the reason has more to do with my orientation and investment around the present – plans, decisions etc. that were made in the past have to do with the future and both are irrelevant in the mind of one locked into the now. My lack of regard for the future is probably what makes me an impatient person…I want everything to occur NOW – in the present where I live…the future is not real to me.

 

To bring a healthy balance I think I had better learn to value the past and hope for the future without losing my anchor in the present. I don’t want to become someone who lives entirely in the past or the future (or as I’ve become aware – the present). The past needs to become more like a foundation and less like a passing flood in my life. The future needs to be what is built upon the past and birthed out of the present and therefore something I can shape.