I am a puzzle to myself.
This cannot be good really, can it? I don’t know. Lately I have been dancing between deep introspection and desperate distraction…that is to say I want to understand myself better but avoid myself at the same time.
I came to an understanding a while ago that I was keeping myself busy to avoid being alone with myself. It’s not like I don’t like myself…I mean one of my best friends is myself (INSERT GRIN HERE) but I don’t know how much I trust myself alone with myself.
So I keep myself busy…boards, committees, work, kids, being ‘out’ in the world among people who will see me sneaking up on myself and sound the alarm should it happen. Even writing has been a way of distracting myself from myself.
I have looked back on my writing and realized that the most personal I get is with my poetry. My general blog posts are more like editorials on broad subjects of import to most people but not personal really.
This may be why I tend not to let people get too close to me. What if they get to know me better than I know myself (which would not be that hard really)?
It is a scary prospect to be vulnerable. I could do it in the pulpit. I could be vulnerable there because it really just felt like it was God and I…the congregation was the congregation…a mix and blend of different names and faces and people representing my small slice of local humanity. Such a collective cannot be personal…not in a deeply introspective way…but I could be personal toward them.
Don’t get me wrong or feel bad for me that I can’t be vulnerable because I don’t preach anymore. Preaching is not meant to be a place of cathartic vulnerability for the preacher…to use it as such was probably negatively enabling me from developing close personal relationships and maybe a small abuse of the preaching function.
So here I am now wondering if I have been running and hiding from myself all these years and trying to figure out the best way to stop. Perhaps I can invite myself out for coffee in public neutral territory…better still maybe I need to write myself a letter…maybe this is the letter.